My Day as Inspired by Bridget Jones

minutes spent cleaning 21 (incredible since done with bizarre rolling baby),  minutes spent thinking about cleaning 93  (v. good considering thought could later become action), horror why-did-i-have-baby inducing diapers changed 2, working televisions 0, workouts 1 (exemplary)

7:00 woke to moaning boob needing baby.  will just feed and then go for major power walk!

7:30 fed baby.  just need bit of breakfast first.  cannot be expected to power walk on empty stomach.  is not healthy.

7:45 breakfast done.  feel strapping baby into phil and ted nylon prison not very motherly first thing in morning.  need to let babies play and roam free.  also, hair sticking up in mad peaks and do not feel like fixing.

8:15 perhaps will clean flat instead.

8:30 baby will not stop crying unless held.   will cuddle and soothe as only mommy can.

8:40 still crying.

8:41 watching baby einstein.  really is miraculous video.

9:00 hurrah!  naptime.  now can transform into amazing martha stewart housewife and mop floors.

11:00 blast.  woken by hungry baby again.  must have dozed off.  well, now will be energized to do all sorts of things.

11:15 except still seem to be very tired.

11:45 right.  must do something productive.

12:00 have completed mad mopping of floors.  slightly patchy as had to work around crazy rolling baby.  but surely mostly clean.

12:20  baby crying again.  cannot be normal.  cannot be hungry again.  maybe teething?

12:25  am unfit mother.  cannot read baby signals as outlined by oprah baby whisperer.

12:30 feeding baby.

12:45 baby almost asleep due to intuitive feeding.

12:50 baby wide awake.  surely cannot be right.

1:00 baby just spit up over freshly mopped floor.

2:00 baby yawned!!!!  is sign.  will now sing baby to sleep in soothing manner of fraulein maria.

2:35 why not asleep yet?  baby just staring as if am insane mother.

3:00 no nap.  well.  is no problem.  am go-with-flow mum.

3:01 going with flow is easy.  am relaxed earth mother sort.

3:02 WHY WHY WHY???!!!!! am ensconced in disgusting mudslide of poo.  hate solids.  hate poo.  cannot hold breath long enough.  surely must be course can take to improve.  is essential life skill for mums.

3:30 must be naptime now.  will just rock to sleep and then workout so can become heidi klum fitness goddess mum!

3:45 baby asleep.  tv set.  will get on rowing machine and break previous record!

3:50 tv signal crashed.

3:51 attempting to row with one arm so will not lose record time while fiddling with tv.

3:52 tv definitely not working.  must continue workout though.

3:55 cannot get baby einstein out of head.  singing old macdonald over and over.  is not helping rowing effort.

4:10 completed goal one minute faster than yesterday!  quite incredible feat considering spent three minutes rowing with one arm.  perhaps am future olympian?

5:00 am showered and lotioned.   cabbage in bra to thwart fourth bout of boob infection (v. unsure how vegetable cures illness.  perhaps should research?).  look v. lumpy but suppose better than alternative.  now to get baby.

7:30 baby played with, fed, bathed, fed again, read to, and plopped in crib.

7:35 realized did not throw mop water out from this morning.  about to dump outside when suddenly aware of bizarrely misshapen boob from cabbage inside bra.  now where is coat?

8:00 time to improve self now that baby in bed.  perhaps will start novel.

8:05 tv working.  ooh goody!  bachelor on.

2 thoughts on “My Day as Inspired by Bridget Jones

    • oh goodess, thank you corinna. yes, when and if you have a child, and when and if you get a little something called mastitis, i’m here for you with all the bizarre tips and tricks!!! thank you for reading!

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